My spirit has been pushed and pulled for there years. Maybe I have done this for the majority of my life and I am only now able to see or notice what is happening for me. Studying and working in tantra has given me knowledge that I can think about. It has brought life back to my body. The missing link has been my spirit, the connection to my heart.
I can study and take a test. I’m good at that. I can also set a goal for my physical body, map a path and accomplish it. I do this all the time with nutrition, racing, stretching, working. I’m great at making lists and shopping to check off each item! I even translated this into my sex through reading, studying, sharing, experimenting and experiencing. This process brought physical feeling into places that had been numb, and lots of physical fun and pleasure! Yet, I still clenched and tried to control my body. This is masculine energy of giving myself a goal and doing whatever it takes to reach it.
The part that is missing is my feeling and inner goddess knowing and guiding me. It is difficult to trust the intangible, the unseen. My spirit is the one that I did not invite to my experience. I kept her hidden, shoved down, afraid of feeling what was there. My feminine energy is uncomfortable because it feels like “going out of control.” The feminine in me is the one that imagines, creates, motivated and turned on by possibilities! This is where surrender happens. The sound of that word always made me cringe! Instead of the “giving up” that I had always imagined, it actually brings more “allowing.”
In the midst of this spiritual discovery, I even read an article about leaning into discomfort. It describes the changes in the brain that can occur with consciousness practices. This in turn can create less negativity and evasiveness around emotionally painful experiences. The author points out that with time, we are less likely to experience “fight or flight” allowing us to see the heart-centered piece in more of our life. This is directly related to a homework assignment given to me by my life coach, to find a way to be grateful for every single person in my life, particularly the ones where I experience emotional pain. Wow! How well the Spirit/Universe can orchestrate things if we would only allow!
My spirit, my inner goddess, was invited. In an intense tantric session, a trusted friend guided my energy and my body, while my lover cradled my head. With breathing that synced us, eye gazing that connected us, my spirit met my body. As the energy moved, my body responded, and my inner goddess found those painful places. The ones I had shoved and locked away. Flashes of people, feelings, experiences, memories danced in my mind until I surrendered. With my allowing, the pain began to leave my body, seeping out of scars and unseen wounds, washing and healing as the heaviness oozed away from me onto the floor. My tears cleansed me.
Days later, I find myself beginning to process through the experience.
I feel an openness that is new to me.
I see a lifetime journey instead of a path to a particular place.
I feel love that exhilarates and moments later feels scratchy and irritating.
I know parts of me that I had previously refused to acknowledge.
When Spirit comes, the union is life-changing.